Twelve (2010)

Background: There's no denying that Joel Schumacher was once one of the biggest directors in Hollywood. The Lost Boys, Falling Down, the lesser Batman movies of the 90's and Phonebooth which I liked a lot more than just about every one else I talk to. Then came The Number 23, a numerological thriller starring Jim Carrey. The movie did okay, making back double its budget worldwide, but was savaged in the media. Schumacher's career was damn near killed by the one movie, sure no one liked those Batman movies he did, but if you look back on it, those weren't entirely his fault. His next movie, Blood Creek, saw only a limited release, and Twelve opened in less than 250 screens. It made an average of about $475 on those screen. I'll just tell you right now, that's terrible.

The movie is based on a novel by Nick McDonell. It's notable because it was published when McDonell was only 17 years old. It was adapted by first time screenwriter Jordan Melamed and let me tell you, it seems like he tried to keep every word of the source material.

Twelve certainly never wanted for star power. It's got Chace Crawford, hottie from Gossip Girl, right on the poster. It has 50 Cent, Lenny Kravitz's daughter Zoë, Emma Roberts and even the youngest Culkin, Rory. Yet Crawford has never parlayed his TV success into big Hollywood roles, his biggest being maybe The Haunting Of Molly Hartley. Maybe. How could this many stars fall down the rabbit hole?

Plot: This is going to be tricky because there is just an awful lot of plot in this movie. And way too many characters. Let's start off with those. White Mike (Crawford) is a drug dealer, his cousin is Charlie, Hunter is his best friend, Molly is the girl his romantic interest he has to shield from his drug dealing lifestyle, Lionel (50 Cent) is his supplier. Sara Ludlow is the hottest girl in school, she has a boyfriend but I can't remember his name. Chris (Rory Culkin) is an impressionable young rich kid, Claude is his unstable meathead brother straight out of rehab. Jessica is... someone. Tobias is a model, discovered on the beach, buys weed from White Mike. There's a kid with the nickname of Mark Rothko because he, while on a trip to The Met, tore Rothko's #12 (Rothko's #12 is not on display at The Met. #13 is, but the name of the movie is Twelve so he knocked into #12). Got it? Okay, let's see some plot.

To start, 12 is the name of a new drug. I'm always leery of things that make up new drugs. Especially when the drug has as dumb a name as 12. We learn all this through a narrator (Kiefer Sutherland, another star!) White Mike is an upper class drug dealer, mostly selling pot to rich kids. He doesn't drink or do drugs at all, a total straight arrow. He started selling drugs after his mom died of cancer. We also meet the girls of the movie early on and it's easy to tell that the writer was probably very unpopular in high school. Every girl is a manipulative asshole who only talk about what party they're going to tonight and how manipulative they are

Charlie is hooked on 12, tries to rob Lionel who takes Charlie's gun and shoots and kills him. Hunter gets in a fight with his dad and wanders off into the night, all night long. Because his unknown whereabouts and little else Hunter is taken in by the police for suspicion of killing Charlie, despite only vague circumstantial evidence and no motive to speak of.

The main story revolves around this big party for Sara Ludlow's birthday. She uses her good looks to manipulate Chris, whose parents are away, to throw her a party. A famous party, as in one to make her famous at school. She has a boyfriend, but that doesn't stop her. Along the way, Jessica gets hooked on 12, Claude gets rejected by his and Chris' mom, Molly remains in love with White Mike. Molly gets invited to the party by Tobias (his only reason for being in the movie). Jessica ends up selling her viginity to Lionel for more 12, White Mike walks in on them getting it on, looking for Molly. Lionel pulls a gun on White Mike, Charlie's gun in fact, which he kept for some reason and White Mike discovers he killed Charlie. White Mike gets shot once or twice, not sure. Claude loses it and shoots some more people, including White MIke again and kills Lionel, eventually getting taken down by the cops. Molly rebuffs White Mike when she learns he's a dealer. That's pretty much it. There's a lot more, but it's not important.

Why was it forgotten? There's just too goddamn much plot. There are about 1,000 characters too many and very few of them are memorable or even useful to the plot. The narrator ruins every piece of momentum the movie might ever have with overwrought prose delivered like a hard boiled noir-style detective. A movie like this almost seems like a first time director's overly earnest piece that he wants to put out there to make a name for himself, which is why it's so confusing that it was directed by an erstwhile heavyweight like Schumacher. None of the characters are relatable and they're certainly not well acted. Just a goddamned mess.

What went right? Shockingly little. The best I can say is that it's watchable.

Verdict: That doesn't mean you actually should watch it though.
Score: 3%